Oil change instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink cup of coffee
3) 15 Minutes later, write a check and leave with propery mainitained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil change $20
Coffee $1
Total = $21.00
Oil change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in the process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under the car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under the car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under the car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up, helps finish case of beer. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath the car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to the recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11 and buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pain.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in hole in back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards, reacting to 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer
39) Beer
40) Dumpo in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer
42) Lower car from jackstands
43) Acidententally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43
45) Beer
46) Test drive car
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50
DUI $2500
Impound fee $75
Bail $1500
Beer $40
Total = $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Oil change instructions...lmao!
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